Keep your panties on!

It’s funny how things change as you grow older. When I think back on my past, sunburn is not something that I have ever had to concern myself with.

When I was young, I used to spend every waking hour of the Summer month’s in a pool and then, in my teenage years, not only would I stay in the pool but I would dry off by laying out for hours in the sun, and NONE of this was done with any of us wearing this stuff they have nowadays called sunscreen.

Sunscreen?? The heck you say. What on earth is that??

Now, as I tiptoe up to the door of 40, I spend just a couple of hours in the water without this sunscreen stuff and I come out looking like a well cooked lobster. No wonder the dolphins all loved me so much, they thought I was food!

If you’ve ever had sunburn before, I’m sure you know how horribly uncomfortable it can be; but for me, this was a first and let me just say…OUCH!!!

It was so painful, it even hurt to wear my clothes!

Then about a week later, on top of still being terribly sensitive, you start to itch. And I'm not talking about a little, tiny, twitch of the nose type of itch, I'm talking about a tingling sensation that goes so deep, you feel like you're about to come out of your skin... and then, you do!

So here it is, a little over a week after I had been deep fried, and I was sitting in my cubical at work - itching, scratching, burning, squirming and a whole bunch of other words that end with 'ing' - thinking to myself how much better I would feel if I could go into the ladies room and remove just one, single article of extremely uncomfortable clothing.


Now, it's not often that I will write about a book that I'm reading or listening to - except as a review; but as I sat there, trying to think of inventive ways to scratch my back without causing even more damage to my already acutely delicate skin, I was reminded of the book that I had just begun listening to on the way into work this morning...



Her sister's had talked her into wearing a miracle bra and, while those things really do perform supernaturally amazing feats, anyone who's ever worn one knows how uncomfortable they can be, and that under-wire crap is a killer!

After a little while she's had enough discomfort and decides that it's not worth it, so she heads towards the ladies room to remove the offending garment only to find that both the women's and men's rooms were closed. Spotting a patch of trees surrounding the property, in the distance, she goes behind one to discreetly remove the disagreeable article of clothing. No sooner had she unhooked the latch and removed it from under her clothing than she felt the blast.

Sometime later, the policeman discovered her hidden under tree limbs and debris, caused from the jolt of the explosion, and about twenty feet away, in the branches of a magnolia tree, they found a miracle bra.

HA! That would so be my luck!

Not that I would ever be brazen enough to remove my undergarments while at work, mind you; but, I was so extremely uncomfortable that I must admit the thought of doing just that was very appealing to me.

And then, I remembered this hilarious story and decided it would be best to hang in there until I could remove the worrisome apparel in the safety of my own home, where I wouldn't have to worry that some type of traumatic event would happen, causing said undergarment to end up over the head of what would most assuredly be either a very nice looking or high ranking man. *sigh*

Note to self (and anyone else who may be reading this): Be sure to wear sunscreen in order to help prevent discomfort of this magnitude and possible embarrassment from surrendering to the very real temptations to remove any unmentionables in public places. I'm just sayin' - Keep your panties on! ;)

Freaky Friday or Saturday, as the case may be...

It was a stormy Saturday night. The girls were away for the night and we had a party to attend.

We dressed in our hippest threads, complete with my black hooker boots. I was looking as good as a girl my size can look.

On the way to the party I thought it might be a good idea for us to stop somewhere and grab me a bite to eat.

I knew they would have food, but I also know that the odds were not in my favor for liking what they had - being the worlds pickiest eater and all.

However, we have been to their house on numerous occasions and they've usually had something there that I would eat, so I didn't voice my concerns.

An empty stomach and six apple martinis later the hooker boots had been shed and it was time for us to go back to the safety of our house.

Note that they were small glasses so, in all actuality, I probably only had three regular sized drinks; the only thing is that I don't usually drink and three is definitely my limit - with food!

We arrive home safely and I decide that I'm going to play sexy for the husband. It's funny how a few of those drinks can make you feel like you've got your sexy back.

I'm lying on the bed, in my 'I'm so sexy' pose, waiting for him to finish getting everything in order and come into the bedroom.

Upon his arrival he looks at me, all sprawled out draped across the bed, and with a shocked look says, "what are you doing?" while quickly crawling into the bed beside me, to take advantage my drunken stooper this opportunity before it passes him by.

As I go to respond, still trying to maintain my 'sexiness',I fling my right hand high above my head only to smack it VERY HARD against the headboard.

OUCH!!!

Fortunately, I had enough drinks in me so as to lessen the pain - a little. But don't get me wrong. IT HURT!!!

The next day, when we woke up, he rolled over and accidentally grazed my hand, sending a shooting pain signal up to my brain, quickly reminding me of my not so graceful sexiness of the night before.

It's now a week later and my hand is starting to turn a lovely shade of greenish yellow, and it still hurts to the touch.

All I can say is....I hope he had fun because it doesn't look like I'll be drinking anymore apple martinis for a while - wouldn't want him to start 'expecting' this sort of activity ;)

What is That?

I was sitting at my desk, working away and minding my own business, when it first got my attention.

At first it was just a mist.

Then it began to take form.

It was like a hook shaped finger.

It crept up behind me and tickled my nose hairs.

That's when I saw the color - GREEN!

It was a green cloud. And it wasn't even a pretty shade of green, it had a brownish tint to it.

Then it clutched onto my nostril and it YANKED!

It was awful! I thought I was going to fall out of my chair.

Everyone else seemed to be plugging away, blissfully unaware of the green cloud that had taken form and rounded the corner. It was nothing more than work, as usual.

Now, I know that I have the nose of a bloodhound but could no one smell that??

SOMEONE-WAS-STINKY-POOTING!!

Since no one else seemed to notice the big green cloud in the room, I formed a theory.

Wanna hear it?? Good. Here it is:

My cube is in the path of the restroom.

I think that the culprit was trying to make it to the restroom, but they had a little slip on the way there.

In their effort to rush, it created an air flow that stirred up their slippage and whisked it into my cube where first it tickled, then it grabbed, and finally it punched me - right.in.the.nose!

I turned on my fan, in hopes of airing things out.

This must have sent the cloud to someone else's cube - maybe even the culprit himself - because the next smell that drifted along was that of a spray.

A spray that one uses when one accidentally loses their manners and wants to "cover it up" before anyone else comes along and says something about the green cloud hanging out in their cubical that would turn their face red and give them away.

Something like, "Pe-eww! What's that smell??"