The Gentle Cycle

We've all had them, moments when we've put the cereal box in the refrigerator or the milk in the cabinet...

It was five a.m. when she stumbled out of bed, tripping over the five year old's shoes on her way to stop that constant buzzing sound, coming from the direction of her dresser.

Slapping at the annoying culprit, she finally gets the alarm turned off and wanders, sleepy eyed, into the bathroom for her morning shower.

After a few minutes of unsuccessfully working to get a good lather in her hair, and with the cobwebs of sleep still firmly rooted in her brain, she begins to think about the order of things while taking an inventory off all her shower products: shampoo bottle, check; men's shampoo, check; Gillette facial scrub and wash, check; children's shampoo and conditioner, check; feminine wash, check; All Clear facial scrub, check; bar of soap, check.

And suddenly, the fog begins to clear her mind....

Wait - a - minute: Her shampoo is clear, yes. What she put in her hair was clear, yes.

Ohhoho - laughter spilling forth as she looks back and forth between the bottles and the light bulb begins to burn a little brighter - yep!

That explains the mystery of the missing suds!

She had just washed her hair with the very, very gentle cycle!


I only hope it doesn't cause her hair to become coarse. ;) Just sayin'..

When Pigs Fly

They're droppin' like flies!

These days, everyone seems to know someone who's had it.

I'm talking about the swine flu.

We went through about a three week period of illness in the Shell household. Sugar had "not the flu" then Spice got sick with a high fever - also diagnosed as "not the flu", then Sugar got sick again and we took her back to the doctor only for her to be diagnosed with the flu.

After hearing several comparable stories from friends and co-workers, I became convinced that the flu tests they give in the doctors office aren't very accurate and my manager confirmed my suspicions when she had to take her girls to the doctor with flu like symptoms and the doctor actually told her that those tests have about a 30% accuracy rate.

Meanwhile, a good friend of mine had a similar situation going on in her household. First her son got "not the flu" and about a week later she was taking him back to the doctor with no improvement. Then she got sick with "not the flu" - but her niece was diagnosed with the flu.

I was talking to her, trying to convince her that the doctors were wrong and that she did in fact have the flu when it happened again.

You see, every time she stays home sick a bird somehow ends up getting stuck in her fireplace - and I'm usually talking to her when it happens.

She said that he had been in there for a while and he was annoying the crap out of her, but she just didn't feel like dealing with letting him out.

I told her to just tell him he better get out of there before she gave him the flu

"No wait!" I said, "He'll give YOU the bird flu and you'll give HIM the swine flu...and then pigs really will fly."

And there you have it, folks! How diseases transfer from animal to human and human to animal.

Glad I could clear that up for you. :)

Twilight Zone Phone

The phone rang and I answered it.

From the moment I picked up the phone a switch was flipped and I was no longer sitting behind my desk at work; instead, I had been transformed to an alternate universe.

"Let me speak to James" the caller said gruffly
"I'm sorry." I told him, "but you have the wrong number."
"Is this 4566?" He asked.
"Yes, those are the last four digits of my..." I began
"Is this 555-4566?" he interrupted.
"Yes, but this is the bank" I explained.

Now, at this point you would think that he would realize his mistake and disconnect right??

WRONG!

The conversation proceeded as follows:

Him: "Well, let me ask you this."
Me: *silence*
Him: "You're the bank, right?!"
Me: "Well, no sir but I do work for the bank."
Him: "Okay, let me ask you this then. How do I open an account?"

Seriously, is this guy seriously asking me how to open an account when he clearly thought he was calling a private number to speak to James?? Okay, this must be a joke, I think to myself but I continue as follows:

Me: "You would go into one of our full service locations and see someone on the desk side to open an account."
Him: "Could I go into Monroe and open an account?"

Monroe? What's on Monroe? We don't have a bank on Monroe

Me: "Monroe?" I repeat for clarification.
Him: "Yeah, this is the bank right?"
Me: "Yes sir, I work for *name of bank* but I'm not in the centers. Are you referring to *name of bank*?" I ask again, for clarification.
Him: "Yeah, there's a *repeats name of bank* on Monroe."
Me: "Oh, well in that case; yes, you could go into that location and see someone on desk side and they could assist you with opening an account."

Okay, I've clearly answered all of his questions, right? Surly he's going to say thank you and disconnect, right?

Yeah - wrong again!

Him: "Okay good. Let me ask you this then. What are your prices?"
Me: "Our prices?"
Him: "Yeah, your prices to open an account."

Okay, at this point I'm beginning to think I'm the victim of an early morning radio prank. The longer this conversation continues, the stranger it gets. I kept waiting for the DJ to start laughing and tell me that it was all a joke, but that announcement never happened.

Me: "As I said, I'm not in the centers so I don't have that information but what I can do for you is look up the number to one of our branches and you can call them."

Anything to get him off the phone at this point...

Him: "Yeah, that would be mighty nice."
Me: "Okay great, can you hold please?"
Him: "Yeah, thank you kindly."

So, I put him on hold and I look up our phone numbers but of course, there isn't a number for a center on Monroe because that doesn't exist.

Me: "Sir, are you still there?"
Him: "Yes, I thank you for doing this. My birthday is coming up and I need to save some money."
Me: "You're welcome and thank you for holding. Now I've been looking but I don't see a branch on Monroe... I do, however, see one on Madison. Will that one work?"
Him: "Yeah, Madison. That's it. I need to put some money aside. You see, my birthday is coming up and they're throwing me a party. The lady's going to jump out of the cake and I don't want to spend all my money."
Me: *chuckling* "Oh, okay...Well, the number to our Madison location is 555-5378. You just give them a call and someone will be able to assist with your questions."
Him: "Thank you so much and happy new year."
Me: "You're welcome. Happy new year to you too and I hope you have a happy birthday."
Him: "Thank you, and one more thing..."

Here's where I thought the radio host was going to laugh and tell me they were pulling my leg but instead, he says: "You're about to have a baby, aren't you?"

Crazy caller on the phone say wha'?!?!?!

Me: "Um...No."
Him: "Huh, I usually don't get that wrong. Oh well, sweet dreams"

Now, I'm not really sure if the last thing he said to me was "sweet dreams" or "I'll see you in your dreams." or "I saw it in my dreams." all are pretty creepy.


This morning, I got to work and had a voice mail. I checked it and it was a lady calling because she heard that I paint houses...

You think they may be related?? Maybe he had so much fun messing with me that he gave my number out to the rest of the crazies in his family. I don't know, what do you think?

Happy New Year Decade!

As the clock struck midnight, it was out with the old and in with the new.

Many milestones where reached in 2009: In June, Mr. Shell and I celebrated our thirteenth anniversary and Spice, our youngest, turned five. In the fall she started kindergarten.
Sugar, our oldest, went into the Seventh grade and in November she became a [GULP!] teenager.
November also marked our one year anniversary of blissful happiness in our new home. For the first time ever, we live in a neighborhood where we could put our outdoor decorations out without fear that they would grow legs and walk off. We said goodbye to our long time family dachshund, Sam. And blogging took a backseat to social networking and farming on Facebook.

As we ring in the new year, we make resolutions in hopes of accomplishing goals that, up until now, have always seemed unattainable. We tell ourselves: "This will be the year that I get myself organized." or "This year, I'm going to join that gym and get serious about my health." or how about this one, "This year, I'm going to lose weight." And all these things are said with good intentions and thoughts of starting anew, "It's out with the old and in with the new," we say. But as January winds down and the realities of life start settling back in, we realize we aren't making as much progress as we had hoped and all those good intentions usually fall to the wayside.

Not one to make a bunch of new year resolutions that are sure to be broken before the end of a full month, I will admit that I have recently felt a strong conviction towards blogging - I miss it!

For a while, I though I wanted to try my hand at writing a novel but, after many false starts, I just don't feel that I have a story in me. While I love telling stories and I love reading stories, I don't feel like I could "make up" a story that would be interesting enough for people to want to read - much less go out and buy.

To me, blogging is not the same as writing. With my blog, I can take an ever day event and spin it into a tale. While I may never be good enough to have a published novel, I can honestly say that I love telling stories. I love finding ways to take what may have started out as a negative situation and turning it into source of laughter.

I tell you all this to say: In 2010, I am resolved to make more of an effort to listen to my creative voice and tell the stories that are inside my head instead of ignoring them as I have in this last year.

One of my favorite things about myself is that I'm creative. I feel that God has blessed me with the gift of creativity and I also believe if you do not use the gifts He gives to you, He may also take them away, and I certainly don't want my creative voice to become mute. So watch out world, Shelly's blogging again and YOU may be her next victim story! ;)

I'll talk to you soon and Happy New Year :)

Boo Boo The Fool

What do I look like, Boo-boo the fool??

Wait a minute! Don’t answer that!

I said, don’t answer that! *sigh*

Oh well... if you answered yes to that question, then you aren’t in the boat by yourself. Apparently my soon-to-be-thirteen-years-old daughter thinks so too.


I must admit, there are a lot of things that I’m not good at remembering:

I may not remember what movies I’ve bought.

I may not remember which CD’s we have.

I might not remember the name of a book I’ve read or a movie that I’ve watched.

In fact, it’s very possible that I won’t remember your name – I’m horrible with names!

So maybe it seems odd to her that I would be able to remember each and every outfit that she has.

But… I do!

If she would stop and think about it for a minute, it probably wouldn’t seem so strange. After all, where does she think all those clothes come from? They don't just magically appear in your closet. (HA! I wish!)

Noooo…someone has to go shopping for them and had to pay for them.

And who does she thinks washes all those clean clothes that she throws in the laundry basket, instead of putting them back up after being worn for all of two seconds?

And after all of those clean dirty clothes have been washed, who does she think folds them and then looks at them, sitting on the couch for a week while waiting for them to grow legs and make their way back upstairs?

Yeah, that would be ME!

So, can someone please help me understand why she would think that she could come downstairs this morning wearing a black skirt with a pink jacket over it AND a pair of jeans, and expect me to believe that the black SKIRT is a strapless SHIRT?!?!

I swear, sometimes I wonder what planet that girl hailed from.

Not One to Complain...

Monday's - noted to be one of the least favorite days of the week.

Now, I'm not usually one to complain, much but today has been a stereotypical Monday...

Nothing puts me in a grumpy mood quicker than when my much needed beauty rest gets interrupted.

This morning - one full hour prior to wake up time - I hear the sound of my oldest daughter singing a little tune that went something like this:

♪♪ Time to wa-ake up ♪ Wakeup Sugar ♪♪
♪Time to wa-ake up ♪ Wakeup Sugar ♪
♪♪ Time to wa-a-a-ake up♪♪
(repeat three times, getting progressively louder)

Alright so, admittedly, I really did enjoy hearing that little jingle this morning - it made me smile. However, I would have enjoyed it much more had it actually been time to wake up.

I'm just sayin' ;)

This, accompanied by the vibration of the phone, continued every ten minutes for an hour and I finally gave up all hope of trying to latch on to the last precious minutes of my cherished slumber. I rolled out of bed to get this cold and dreary Monday started.

But I'm not one to complain, much...

Looks like I'm definitely going to need my morning cup of java, which I go into the kitchen to fix only to discover that my coffee maker is now disassembled. Apparently the oldest was trying to be helpful so she took my coffee maker apart and cleaned it in the dishwasher - leaving instead a sink full of dirty dishes.

But I'm not one to complain, much...

With the coffee pot now reassembled, I set it up to brew and go off to take my shower, brush my teeth and get dressed.

As I'm finishing up on the last touches of my morning routine I notice a strange gurgling sound coming from the kitchen. I learn that the source of the noise is my coffee maker, complaining because I forgot to put the lid down when I put it back together causing percolation problems.

But I'm not one to complain, much...

At work, my computer locks up and I lose a report that I had just spent two hours putting together.

But I'm not one to complain, much...

After work, Spice had her first golf lesson. For an hour, I stand out in the cold, wet drizzle - while my baby learns to identify all the parts of a golf club as well as the proper grip and stance - fighting off the worlds largest mosquitoes.

But I'm not one to complain, much...

Once practice was over, I decided a quick meal was in order so we drove to McDonald's where it was clearly obvious that they would not be getting my order correct... so we left in favor of Wendy's.

I placed our order and pulled up to the first window to pay.

As I'm searching for my card I vaguely recall hearing the manager and cashier talking about her being afraid of/allergic to bees. I finally found the card and as I hand it to the cashier, I immediately feel the relevance of their conversation as a sharp, stinging pain shoots up the back of my arm.

"Well," I announce, as cheerfully as possible to the two lovely people having a conversation about bees but don't bother to warn my that he's IN.MY.CAR. "You don't have to worry about that bee anymore because he'll be dying soon since he just stung me."

But I'm not one to complain, much...

Now I'm home and Sugar comes out to help me carry the food in. I tell her that I got stung and she informs me that the culprit - a wasp, not a bee - is still on the car.

Guess he was going to hang around and see if he could get me again, since my arm was only swollen to half its regular size.

But I'm not one to complain... oh, who the hell am I kidding?!?!? That shit hurt! (and it's still hurts!!)

Without complaining, I'll just say this: I'm glad there is only one Monday in a week - and that this one is almost over (pray for me y'all; I still have a couple more hours to go before it becomes official *sigh*)

FED UP

Have you ever gotten to the point where you can't take one. more. single. thing??

You may remember me sharing the frustrations I've been dealing with over the past couple of weeks, with the cooties being passed back and forth between both of my girls.

And the cherry, on top of the whipped cream, on top of the icing, on top of the cake was when Sugar coughed ON. MY. ARM. only for me to discover she had a fever of 102!!!

Needless to say, I took her BACK to the doctor the next morning where she was diagnosed with the flu. Strain A flu, to be specific.

What does that mean, you ask??? Well, let me just tell ya...

Apparently there are two major strains of flu: Strain A and Strain B.

But strain A happens to be the strain that the dreaded swine flu is in. Which means... If you are diagnosed with strain A flu, you have to stay out of work/school for 7 calendar days or until you are symptom free for 24 hours - whichever comes later.

I know what you're thinking - I thought so too. In fact, I had to re-read that same sentence a couple of times myself. But in answer to your question, that is not a typo: If you or your child has strain A of the influenza virus, you will be out for a MINIMUM of 7 days.

Now, while I understand and completely agree with the importance of preventing the spread of the potentially deadly strain of the N1H1 virus - heck, I'll even go so far as to say I agree with taking necessary measures to prevent the spread of ANY virus - I had already been at home with sick kids for almost two weeks. To me, one more week added to that sentence felt like the proverbial nail in the coffin.

At this point, I feel I need to add a disclaimer stating that I am not complaining about my children being sick. No parent likes to see their children sick. And while I am blessed that I have the ability to work from home, I like having adult interactions. I like the people I work with and I enjoy going to work each day.

And now back to our regularly scheduled blog post...

So, we've gone to the doctor and she's been diagnosed as having strain A influenza. The doctor writes a prescription for our household, in an effort to prevent us all from getting sick too. They give Sugar a mask to put over her face and we're escorted out to the back side of the office - I told her now she knows what Michael Jackson must have felt like, except she still has a nose.

The whole family is now on Tamiflu and suddenly Spice starts behaving like a little monster - I mean, even more so than usual - and that's putting it mildly. I don't know what got into that girl but I am not exaggerating when I tell you that she threw a first class kicking, screaming - at the top of her lungs - fit for about fifteen minutes one night.

With all the recent changes in her daily routine, it's hard to pin point the cause of this extreme behavior. It could be that she's still trying to get acclimated to the more structured environment of school. Add to that, that she's accustomed to taking a three to four hour nap in the afternoons and that's not happening anymore; it could be that she's simply exhausted. It might be that she still isn't feeling well or, it may be that she's seen someone else throwing fits and thought she would come home and try it out.

But the most perplexing of all is that her conduct in school deteriorated too. She has been bringing home a green smiley face every day since school started (that's the best you can get) and suddenly she was bringing home orange and yellow dots (not good! Orange is one step away from red, which is the worst!).

Now, I'm not living in some fantasy world where I am delusional enough to believe that my little girl is going to be perfectly behaved every single day; after all, I did give her the pseudonym of Spice not Angel. ;) While she is my child and I do love her, I also know that she is very stubborn and can be quite obstinate when she so chooses - but something weird was going on here.

Taking the timing of this decline into consideration, I decided to read up on any possible conditions caused by the medicine we were all taking... Sure enough, there it was in black and white: This medication could cause extreme behavioral changes in some and this is most likely to occur in young children.

"Well there you go." I thought to myself, "this explains it. Once we finish this round of medicine, her behavior will improve and we will be back to normal around here." - whatever that is ;)

Last Sunday was her final dose of the liquid evil medicine and on Monday she brought home another green smiley face. YAY!:) This desired pattern of good behavior continued throughout the entire week, thus proving that the culprit of all of last weeks heartburn was indeed the Tamiflu.

That is until...TONIGHT.

Tonight, the evil twin returned for round two of the B.B.B. (Bratty Behavioral Battles). And this time, Sugar thought she was going to join in on the fun too - it must be the full moon...

But, after almost three whole weeks of running back and forth to the doctors office, getting coughed on, being under house arrest and spending $157.00 in medicine - all in the name of love for her children - momma had reached the end of her rope.

She was FED UP!

The girls have been in their rooms since 7 pm and they were told warned strongly advised that they had better not to come back down for the remainder of the night, because not even Calgon could take me far enough away for them to escape my wrath if I had to correct them one more time tonight.

Tomorrow, Mr. Shell comes home and I get to run away from home and escape reality for a while when I go to the movies. Until then, please pray for my children. Ask that the Lord remain by their mother's side because I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that He is the only reason I have not hurt them tonight.