Turtles In Girdles

"Oh, they're wonderful!" the store clerk said to the mom and daughter as they were standing in line, discussing the impulse buys that were lined up next to the register, while waiting to be checked out. "I wear mine every day. See, I have them on now" and she pulls up her shirt to show them that she is, in fact, speaking the truth.

"Yes, but they are $36.00. Do they work?" the pair asked, thinking that $36.oo for a pair of undies is a bit steep.

"There marvelous" said another customer. "You know, Oprah endorsed them on one of her 'Favorite Things' shows."

"Oh, then they must be good;" said the mom, "but do they not roll down? If I'm going to pay $36.oo they better not roll down, and every other pair I've ever bought has rolled."

"No!" said the clerk, "they don't roll at all."

"No, they sure don't" the other customer agreed. "They have some kind of magic tape on them or something that keeps them from rolling."

"That's right." said the clerk, "As long as you don't put them in the dryer, they won't roll."

With such strong testimonies from everyone in the store, it must be true, they thought. And so, they each got themselves a pair of the $36.00 miracle drawers called Spanx."

Fast forward to Saturday night...

She was going to visit a friend and she knew there would be lots of pictures being snapped to assist in the telling of their blog worthy visit. She needed all the help she could get so she decided it would be the perfect opportunity to give her newly purchased underoos a try.

She heaved and she hoed, heaved and hoed, and heaved and hoed some more - working up a good sweat - as she shimmied her way into the suck-n-tuck, High Waisted Power Panties.

Finally, she had pulled them all the way up and adjusted them in all the right placed, so that they fit like a snug pair of icotoner gloves... But, wait a minute! What's that she felt?? It felt like a breeze. Why does she feel a breeze in her brand new $36.00 pair of panties?? Surely she had not poked a hole in them as she had worked her way into them. That was quite a work out but they were made of pretty sturdy material; she felt certain she would have known if she had actually poked a hole. At the very least, she would have heard it.

Pulling them back down a little, for closer inspection of the area in question, she saw it. The big gaping, wide open, space; strategically located in a place that she always thought panties were supposed to cover.

What is this? She thought to herself as she inspected the area a little closer. Do you mean to tell me that I just paid $36.00 for a defective pair of panties? But upon further inspection, it looked as if the slit was supposed to be there.

You have GOT to be kidding me, she chuckled as she walked over to the package to read more about the perks of these power panties.

'Comfortably smooths waistline. Slims tummy, thighs and rear. No binding leg band...'

Yes, yes, she had read all of that in the store, then she turned the package over to read the back. There it was! At the bottom of the package, with a little star bullet:

'Cotton double gusset (crotch) opens to make life easier when Mother Nature calls.'

While she was not brave enough to give the flap jack a try when mother nature did call but if any one has she would love for you to leave a comment and let her know how that works.

In the meantime, here are some things she has determined that she should warn others about who may want to give these Spanx a try - and they do work!

• BUT, if you have any kind of bladder control issues, you might NOT want to wear your Spanx.


• OR, if you will be at a friends house, where you laugh so hard you might pee - just a little - you might NOT want to wear your Spanx.


• OR, if you have allergies that might cause you to sneeze so hard you squeeze out a little moisture, you might NOT want to wear your Spanx.


• And finally, DO.NOT.EVEN.THINK about wearing your Spanx if your aren't feeling fresh and clean.

I'm just sayin' ;)

On the other hand....If you are going to have a meeting with your very good looking work husband, and you want to look your best; you probably WILL want to wear your Spanx :) but first, you should make sure that the meeting hasn't been cancelled. :(